29 YSL Touche Eclat

The question isn't what do we do with it. The question is, what would we do without it?

A miracle cream? That may be a slight overstatement. But it's a jolly good item of make-up that is pretty much essential for any new mummy.

Of course, pre-baby I already used YSL Touche Eclat. I'd already succumbed to the near enough blanket coverage in any women's mag I've ever read. But I couldn't truly see the reason why it was raved about. I'd use it to make myself look a little fresher on a night out. I'd use it after a late night made me look a tad shadowy under the eyes. But after a while I'd kind of forget about it and it would languish at the bottom of my make-up bag.

The truth is, I was never tired enough to appreciate the incredible way it makes you look, well, eye-bright alive! As opposed to eye-sunken dead. You see, if you've been in and out of bed like a flipping yo-yo all night to breastfeed/change nappy/soothe/rock/walk around bouncing baby/stop toddler bouncing on top of you, and so on, ad finitum, come 6am you look like you would be more at home in a morgue. But slide some of that stuff underneath your eyes and dab on a bit of blusher, and you can just about fake it for another day.

26 Talking About Babies (2)

We like talking about babies because if we didn't we'd explode. Unlike our days pre-mummyhood, which were semi-predictable and comprehensible in comparison (and dang it, didn't we blabber anyway - bluddy work, bluddy tube, bluddy wobbly tummy), our days post-baby are impossible to predict and thoroughly flummoxing (bluddy potty training, bluddy buggy, bluddy wobbly tummy). If we couldn't blather on about it to somebody else (mummy or not) we'd end up, probably, chewing temazepam to keep our mouths busy with something. Which women did, in droves, before we woke up to the fact that - actually - we COULD admit to ourselves that motherhood was just slightly more difficult than we'd presupposed.

At around the same time being a mother was accepted as a valid 'role', society realised that children and babies weren't only to be 'seen and not heard' but little people with real feelings. Instead of leaving them at the bottom of the garden to 'exercise their lungs' mothers went with them to the bottom of the garden and pointed out the flowers. So sue us that we found our 10-month-old's first word "fowa" as cute. At least we heard them. And instead of smacking them into submission we cared to find some other ways of disciplining. Ones that involved rather more thought - and, woe betide us - some discussion with others! And, for better or worse, advice gleaned from books and websites.

And we talk about babies because we have to. Modern motherhood is a talking point because today's hi-tech fast-food world is frought with obstacles and contradictions. We are harangued to breastfeed from the off but are treated as pariahs in public life when we do. We are told to get back to work and pop the poppets into pre-school at 2 years old [never mind the finances never add up]. Next day we're told we're selfish cows for wanting some independence and to go home and knit some sustainable wool nappies [this time the finances definitely don't add up]. We are told by our own mothers we're doing everything wrong and are told by society we are doing everything wrong. Is there any surprise we have a little chat amongst ourselves?

Yes, there's a point at which we even bore ourselves. But if you're mothering 24/7, isolated in your corner of a big city, sites like Mumsnet can provide true solace and - incredibly - conversation NOT about babies including movies, celeb gossip and jobs. Meanwhile you'd hope your good friends would put up with your witterings in the same way you put up with their endless boyf troubles and 'search for the perfect pair of jeans' saga. Suffice to say, broadsheet bints who blather on about the latest glossy members-only bar or their obsession with 80s clothing would probably become the worst baby-bores of all, endlessly comparing this season's Bugaboo fabrics and whether to update their latest armcandy, sorry, baby with the latest eco-trend.

17 Smock tops

We know that smock tops went out of fashion in 2007. We know, as dedicated Grazia subscribers, that this year it’s supposedly all about peg legs and body-con dresses and any number of trends designed to make the average thirtysomething’s thighs look like a chicken drumstick.

But are as far as we’re concerned, smock tops will never be out of fashion. It goes without saying that they hide our woefully wobbly tums and our disappearing waistlines. With their pretty folksy, gypsy-ish prints, they also positively exude yummy mumminess. And if there’s one thing worse than being patronisingly called a yummy mummy as if you are some horrible whiny character in a chicklit novel, then it’s not being called one.

One word of warning though: while smock tops can conceal a tummy, they can also occasionally suggest a tummy worse than the one you actually possess. If you don’t enjoy repeatedly being asked, ‘when is number two due then?’, you could always try swapping your smock top for a longer, slightly more tapered tunic. Or a sack.

14 Not Reading The News

You love not reading the news anymore. Because you can't. Not properly anyway. Not in that broadsheet extended double page in-depth analysis with charts and extra voxpops way, anyway. Alright, you might scan the voxpops. But I mean, who really has the time for reading even one page of a broadsheet in full? Either somebody has a little too much time on their hands. Or they haven't got kids.

Instead you find Metro's abbreviated semi-news heavy duty enough. Yes, that's right, Metro, which you used to deride for its patronising drivel. You lap up 'how to' inserts. You even find yourself drawn towards all those flimsy shiny women's mags you used to balk at. So trivial. So fluffy. So degrading to your intellect. But so easy to pick up and read between your little dearest squawking something about MUUUUUUUUUM WHERE'S THE ROUNDANDROUNDTHING MUUUUUUUMMMMM I'M TALKING MUUUUUUUUUM and CAN I WATCH TEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEEEE and OOOWOOOWOOOOOOOOOW MUUUUUUUUUUM I GOT AN OWOOOOOW MUUUUUUM I NEED A PLASTER MUUUUUUUUUUM. The ultimate multitask read, you suddenly understand why the articles in these publications are so short and petty and frothy. And why they're aimed at women with kids.

To be brutally honest, it's a bit of a relief. Does anybody really like reading newspapers or is it just something you end up doing as you try your best to become a real adult, you know, as your 'duty', like writing thank you cards and putting the bins out. New mummies have the perfect excuse to avoid all that intellectual posturing. Of course there's a place for proper news and intelligent reading. But knowing all the world's bad news makes no difference to our daily lives, beyond injecting the reader with a sense of shame (to be part of the human race) and, well, hopeless despair. However, knowing that Kate Moss also has a jelly belly* can, sometimes, put the whole world to rights.

*uncorroborated at the time of writing