1 Gory birth stories

Most of the first month of your baby’s life will be spent with you recounting their bloody and painful entrance into the world. You will tell the story to anyone who will listen: friends, relatives, the woman at the Tesco checkout.

These tales are particularly enjoyed by other women who are already in advanced stages of pregnancy, those who suffer from tokophobia and single friends who are ambiguous at best about the idea of spawning children.

However, some birth stories have more gravitas than others. The following win hands down: any experience involving third degree tears. Caesarian wounds that got infected (extra points if you were readmitted to hospital). Losing more than four pints of blood. Any experience that resulted in an inquiry and legal action being taken against the hospital/midwife/anaesthetist.

The inverse of Gory Birth stories are easy birth stories. These are the woman who say things like ‘I hadn’t even realised I was in labour but when I got to hospital I was 9cm dilated. Then 30 minutes later little Jasper/Esme popped out.' These woman are inhuman and to be avoided at all costs.